Its interesting to feel the emotional changes that come along with such a physical commitment as Stockton Biggest Loser. I’ve felt accomplished and discouraged all in the same day. I’ve felt hope and despair. I’ve felt good and bad physically.
But its this new feeling that I am trying to understand and cope with that has me in a funk: hate.
I’ve been at nearly the same weight for basically five weeks now. Over that time, I have logged nearly 50 workouts. I have stuck to this diet plan so religiously, it has my significant other thinking I’m nuts. But still, my weight refuses to move south, or at least with any significance.
I know, I know. Plateau. Blah, blah. So I looked online to see what could help me out, since diet and exercise haven’t been. Almost every site I checked said to change my workouts to two things: high intensity interval training and yoga.
The two things I am doing. I am fucked.
So over these last few weeks, this new feeling has started creeping over. I hate the fact I wont hit a goal I set once. I hate the fact I have worked out so much and stopped losing weight. I hate the fact that I have stuck to a diet, and I am still frozen around 285 pounds. I hate the fact that I feel within striking distance of my first big goal of 275 pounds and cant get there. I hate my body for being so messed up nothing is working. I hate myself for letting me get this bad in the first place.
It’s hard to concentrate. These things usually pass, but it comes to the forefront every time I workout or am eating. It has me almost more frustrated than anything else I have ever done. But its forced an introspective. I need to come to terms with myself before I can move on. I haven’t faced the hate I feel at myself for my situation, since there is no one else to blame but me. So until I can come to terms, my workouts and diets are going to do nothing. My mental clarity has now turned into the most important things for me to work on. And I think that’s my first step, is realizing what is wrong and trying to fix it.
Wish me luck. My internal battle will be harder than the physical one.